What is going on?

Tossing and turning
w/turmoil and strife
were all trying to deal with trials in life
struggling with living a fear less life
while
Bush and all his damn decisions
cuts the world with big incisions
homeless in the alley ways
toxic waters in cafes
every where seems to be such chaos
Peace in the world seems so lost
was reading about Marilyn Monore in all her glory
seems JFK killed her story
Innocent children having to be sexual for food
WHAT HAVE SOME BECOME?
Are we that undone?
How do I keep Jax safe from harm
So far away from EVILS charm?
Once just a babe at my breast
but now hoping on the schools bandwagon with the rest
How do I let go? complete my day?
While my bird is down the road away?
How, oh how, do i trust this life
where no one fears God and his might?

This is a downer day for me. I have had two debbie downer days. I am like Rosie O'Donnell and I am sure like some of you. I can only handle so much of the world and then I have a breakdown. NO, I am NOT on my period! I can't watch the news or read much about it as I can't handle it. But I went to CNN the other day to read about Syndey Pollacks passing and read the article about the UN Peacekeepers forcing kids the age of 5 or 6 (Jax's age) to have sex for food. I literally got sick and I had to throw up twice at work and as soon as I got home I literally couldn't stop crying. What the hell is going on!? I am more angry that it was just a tiny link of a story. No national press. No big BREAKING NEWS! Nothing, like it was just all ignored. Like it's no big deal to molest a child. These are UN Peacekeepers. Why am I surprised when it happens daily at work, day care, in loving homes, in non loving homes, in church, etc...

I have been trying every day to live a fearless life. To be brave, to say goodbye to Jax, do my part in this world and then come home and be the great Mom I am. Sometimes, I just cant handle the world and all it's TRUTH. I am too sensitve and now that I have Jax I am terrifed of what will happen to him. What if I die before he is an adult?

On Saturdays I swap babysitting with my friend. A little girl was outside playing with us. Mrs. Nadia. Very cute and wise beyond her years. She is only 5, already in kindergarten. Jax got out of my site and Nadia ran right after him and while I was behind her, she got Jax and said "Jax, you have to stay in your Mom's sight or some one will get you and they will kill you, and cut you with knives or tie you to a chair or dump your body some where. You can't EVER leave your Mom's sight!". Though she was right it terrified both me and Jax. Jax just started bawling! Jax knows the basics of people taking children but he doesn't know ALL that. Jax can't seem to get it off his mind. I wanted to cry right then and there. For Jax who just lost some innocence, for Nadia for knowing that at such a young age and for life.

Last night Jax lay in bed and started to cry because he is worried about my leaving now, worried about what Nadia told him, will I come back? Will some one get him? Is he safe at school? I just cried too, after he went to bed. What is happening? Why does the truth have to be the truth sometimes? I assured him that he is safe and that I will be there to protect him and I hope that life makes it so I am always there and it's not a lie to him if I am not. Again!

WHY DOES THE TRUTH HAVE TO BE THE TRUTH SOMETIMES?

Lazy Weekend

Jax and I had a lazy weekend and it was nice. The weather was GREAT and the sun was perfect, the sky was a perfect blue and the wind would come by at the perfect time to refresh your body with coolness while laying in the sun. It was so nice.

Our next door neighbor, Marci, is building a real pool, we are sooo jealous, and she gave Jax their little pool and WOW! was Jax so excited. I basically spent the weekend watching Jax swim and play. I read several books and relaxed and just enjoyed being in the moment of it all. Jax took me to see Horton Hears A Who at the $1.50 and we loved it and we went back yesterday to see it again. I wasn't wanting to see it but I am glad we went. And I was so proud of Jax as at the end Horton still loved the Krany Kangaroo played by Carol Burnett and he said real loud "Mom, Horton still loves the Kranky Kangaroo and he knows about forgiveness". Didn't realize our talks on forgiveness and still loving each other after time outs and challenging moments sank in. Nice!

Have a good week~

Kels~