Pumpkin bars are in the oven and then blueberry muffins. It's an overcast, chilly, windy day. Fall is definately here and I think it's going to stay. They say it is to be 70 today but it sure doesn't feel like it so far.

The kids are sleeping except for Christian who is 9, and off track and is watching something on SYFI. Some leach type thing is sucking the blood out of nonsuspecting lake swimmers.... Happy Halloween....right! Since his mom said he can watch it and Jax is at school and kids are sleeping let the leeches suck away!

Suree came and did a fun Mommy and Me class with Ashton. He always goes to her but not today. He was all about Mom. :) I love it but I am selfish with my babies.

Chell did not come today. No phone call to say she was out. Numbers still disconnected. Will call them again on Sunday night. Will tell them the contract is void and list reasons as to why if they show up on Monday. People are crazy and just when I think one thing another happens. So I try not to assume. Will not tell them I will CPS Monday morning but have been advise to get rid of them asap and let Child Protective Services see the pics and handle the case.

I have no fear at all if they report me. Any one is welcome in my nice clean home (for this minute, any way) and CPS usually sends some out to the house that instant if a daycare is reported. My heart breaks for Chell. She is a sweet little girl. Grandma can't stop crying and I feel bad for her but alot of the tears are built up stress from mourning the losing of Red each day as he gets sicker and sicker. Some times you gotta just cry!

That is the update for now. Perhaps I will write later. Peace out!

Grandma Marie with Ashton and Kendall~

It's 11:38P and I should go back to sleep after falling asleep while watching the Housewives of Atlanta. Love the show. Fun to watch for me. It's a no brainer in that I don't have to think about anything and my brain cells can rest.

Life is getting busier and busier for me and I am trying to balance it all.

Tomorrow Reuben and I go over my ideas on how I want the book to look like and I will send him copies of examples, pictures of Loveybug, etc.. and I hope he can come up with a picture I like. The picture of LB has to be how I like as it will be used for every book. Then I am setting up my shopping cart and doing some more little busy work with the book. Going to Barnes and Nobles to price check books the size I am sending to print to see what the market rate is, etc...

I have been suspecting for a while that sweet little Chell (if you look in older posts their are pictures of her) was being abused. No doubt she is neglected coming every day with matted hair, no baths, dirty rings around her neck. I marked the inside of her socks with a small blue dot each day she wore the same dirty socks. 4 days in a row. Always hungry and begging for attention. Grandma and Chell have become very close.

My question to you: What defines a good mother?

Tuesday Chell came with a high fever while her mother, I thought was at work, but was out doing whatever, and she had a hard time sitting on one side. When I changed her diaper I went numb and my heart dropped. Grandma started crying and I kept it together but there on Chell's butt cheek, a perfect bruise of a handprint. Multicolored. So, I took pictures, made Grandma go home and get herself together, and have asked two of my good friends who are social workers what to do.

I told Chell's mom that she was having a hard time sitting and being comfy with the bruise and her mom played it off. I continued to play it off as well so her Mom would not feel so uncomfortable. Chell did not come today and when calling, the numbers have been disconnected. I have known Chell for five months now.

So, I am not assuming. Tomorrow is a new day. We shall see and I will have to make a decision of exactly what I will do. Lots to think about. So please keep Chell in your thoughts and prayers.

~I took pictures of Grandma with Kendall and Ashton today. I look at Grandma and see how much she has aged since I first met her in 2004. Of course, smoking 3 packs of cigarettes a day doesn't help. Her nerves are shot. Red isn't doing well and she fears he will die sooner rather then later. She is clinging more and more on to me. Crying during the day of "what will she do", etc... Red is spending more and more time inside, taking naps, very tired now and not so fun spirited and happy. Jax has pulled back a lot almost as if he is scared of Red but not sure how to react to Red and his being sick and his death which will come sooner then later. Although cancer is a funny thing. Once you think they will die they hang on!

Jax is so cute. We have had such a fun time the past few weeks together. He is quick witted. Sharp on his feet. We have enjoyed putting Ashton to bed and spending time reading and watching a movie together. His writing has improved so well and I love, love, love, all the fun Fall and Holiday pictures he draws and then writes about. He drew a picture of me and wrote such sweet things. So cute!

Ashton is a booger! Since becoming mobile and couch surfing he has changed! My sweet little 11 month old holds his own. If some one takes his toy he will turn around and take it right back and give them this look. When he wants more food he screams this high pitched scream for attention. He doesn't want to go to bed like he used too. I could put him down and he was zonked right out. Now, he jumps and shakes the crib, throwing his binkie or bottle with such despair in his wailing as to "why!" or "how!" could you put me to bed. Ashton definately realizes he is missing things when he pulled for naps and bed time. He is somewhat waving bye. And he gets very upset if Grandma or myself leave the room or for a while.

A few weeks three of my good friends came to my house and we cleaned every closet, drawer, corner, said good bye to summer and welcomed winter's clothes, trips to thrift shops and the dump! A good house cleaning. It's awesome. I love my house even more now. I set up my office in my room and I just need to take Ash's crib down and then my room will be crib free. So nice to have my room back. It's all mine! So, tomorrow after the kids leave off to do grocery shopping and items to mark off the list.

Chat soon,

Kels~

MOM~

Ever so patient, loving and caring,
In the door way candy she is sharing,
I gasped when I opened this picture up,
Gone she is from life's sweet but bitter cup,

My memory races back to that exact moment w/her at the door,
but my memory fails me and I can remember no more,
Tears softly fall in her memory,
What she would be doing today, perhaps loving my new baby?

The past of her I can't handle at times as the pain is just too deep,
But the winds and whispers on Fall's afternoon reminds me to keep,

the ever so ever wonderful memories of Mom who loves me.

(Thank you! Thank you! Judy for this picture!)

Loveybugadventures.com

So, my dream of becoming a writer is coming true. The voices inside my head won't leave me alone anymore and I have been wanting to do three things in my life.

1. Write a series of kids books based on Loveybug. (my beloved cat)

2. Write a novel. But now a book about the experiences I had last year.

3. Record an album with Steve Perry but will settle with recording just a few tracks.

The last year has been a huge life changing experience for me. Many great and wonderful things have happened to me besides having a new baby and the Universe has blessed me grately and I feel I have a pretty great story to share.

I am starting with the children's book first. People come into your life for a reason. I have learned that whether I have liked it or not. They are there. Some stay, some go for a while and come back until you are supposed to be thru with them in some instances or perhaps they are thru with you.

Malcolm was my business teacher when I went to Strayer University online in 2003. I loved him as a professor. I excelled in his classes and he saw my talent as a business leader and saw my writing talent as well and has always been my #1 advocate for pulishing a book, a pamphlet...anything. We clicked, he got me excited about my life, his enthusiasm had me spend endless hours UP writing one page after another with the kids books and the novel and I felt so happy. We have kept in touch and drifted apart.

I have needed a big change in my life. Something that is mine. Something that I can do as a project. Almost like finding a new lover! That excitement. Malcolm and I got talking about my kids book and I have a goal date, a copyright, a front and back cover, an illustrator who is just starting out as well and we are all taking baby steps except for Malcolm who is a pro as he has published quite a few books and has a t-shirt company.

Malcolm became a publisher and will have me eventually be my own publisher once I get the first one or two books done. I have so many books written that it will be a very fun series especially for me and my boys and with my marketing and business skills and the Universe providing the right time for it be out things will fall into place. My goal is to have it all done by December. Scary for me to think but I can't wait to have it in my hands.

I cut my long hair short. It's choppy in the back and fun and wild in the front. It's still blonde and I have always wanted to get my nose piereced. I feel like I am finding out all this freedom about myself. I have held back too long. Jax is so cute. I told him I was going to get it pierced for a long time now and at first he said I couldn't do it. Then when I got it done I came home and he said "Mom, your hysterical!". I said, "I know!"

Cuttiny my hair was so freeing to me. It's another thing I have been hiding behind. Each long, wavy, curly lock that dropped to the floor felt so liberating. Isn't that quite silly? To feel that way?

Also, very freeing to me, is wearing cute tank tops. I never wore them before because I talked myself into saying that I was too fat to show my arms. Well, now, I wear them. I don't care. It feels good to have all the fat flapping in the wind. ha!ha! and I guess I have changed by starting to love my body just for what it is today. Not tomorrow or the past or whatever crazy idea I have in my brain. With Susan's death, my friend who has kids my age and died of breast cancer recently, it has again, hit me hard, and has made me change in a lot of ways. She showed me her chest after they removed her breast and it was quite an amazing thing to see. I now love my dropping, sagging breasts and am grateful that they could feed two of my kids and though I do still want a boob job I am becoming more and more in like with them... just the way they are.

So, with this new found freedom and great light and energy I feel happy, my mind is lifted and the urgency I feel to do these things are gone.

I really miss Loveybug. I think of him every day. The thing I miss about him the most is when he would see me he would run up to me, plop right in front of me on my feet, almost tripping me and just purr and purr and meow. He was spoiled rotten. We had a soul connection. I have so many fun stories of him. Can't wait to share them all.