I surprised Jax this morning with an early morning visit to our friends, The Tiltons. The Tilton's lived in Florida and we have a lot in common. They are Mormon. Very fun and laid back. In fact, she is the R.S. President in my ward boundaries. Jax loves butterflies and I wanted to get him a kit so we can raise some before the season ends, which is the end of October. We had such a fun time looking at a tiny speck, the size of pepper, that were tiny baby caterpillars and then to see the different stages they get. (Oh! how I wish I had my camera). One cage had hatched butterflies in them already and on their counter tops were lots caterpillars ready to ship out to new places. Very exciting. We have 5 (gross to me)caterpillars on the entertainment center waiting for them to eat all their food, climb to the top, and then hatch into a butterfly. Very exciting.
We got to sit outside and talk about Florida and all the animals we love and above our heads was an old oak tree that dropped acrons right on top of us. It was fun. The boys had a great time collecting them.
Again, it's amazing when you want to do something how the universe will bring you what you need if it's meant to be. I knew Mrs. Tilton was a teacher but did not know she home schooled. She is considering leaving the public school system because it's getting worse and worse. She gave me so many wonderful home schooling materials and books. I am so grateful and still feel like I shouldn't take them. She swears she hasn't used them for 15 years. I am really grateful.
Jax had another great day today. It's so nice. I haven't had one stressed out feeling towards him and we spent the day reading. He sat still and snuggled with me while we read all the new books Mrs. Tilton gave us. We also searched the net on how to raise Hermit Crabs as Jax's wheels got turning on how he could have his own business. Once we decide what he really wants to do then we will create a blog and get things going. One is never to young to have their own business.
I was not going to clarify my statement made about Packers talk and my thoughts but I have had several more e-mails so let me say this. Two years ago I made the decision to find out who I was. I was thinking that moving to Utah for lots of different reasons would be the best for me but while I was there I found a lot of truths there for me and I quickly realized that for me and my family I really wanted to be back in NC. I got a lot criticism for getting on a plane with just $70 to my name, pregnant and with Jax in tow but I knew it was what I had to do for me to find myself. And though it was a hard process at first it was the best thing that has happened to me. Once I got back I decided that if needed I would get rid of anything and everything that I ever knew. Including, friends, family, whatever it took for me to be really honest and to find out what I wanted. Not for any one else. No more lying to others and myself. No more bullshit.
I have lied for years about liking the church and other things because I wanted to fit in but mostly because I wanted to be loved. By my parents. Especially, by God.
Now I speak the truth about my life. I don't hold anything back and along the way I have lost good friends and others in my life. I did not take their leaving personally because they stood by their beliefs and found their truth and it helped me find mine. But as I speak the truth and live my life the best authentic way I can I am becoming so incredibly happy and I just frankly don't give a damn. Maybe it's because I am fat, forty, let me not forget, fabulous, and tired but it no longer bothers me what people think about me because I love ME! I am still a work in progress and I will be until I die.
I know there is a higher power that helped me come out of a homeless situation and people being in my path every day on my Journey to my new life and through this journey I found not only me but that God, if you want to call him that, loves me. There is a higher power that brings goodness to me if I seek it and it's what's right for me in my life.
So, for those of you who are shocked by my statement, that I still stand by, I am sincerely sorry for misleading you and lying for wanting a relationship with the Mormon church. I can no longer lie about it and act like I am happy in that religion or any other. I have had a lot of great experiences in the church as well as negative. I still have a TON of people I love and care about in the church, but I don't wish to participate in it. I love every one but I don't have to like what your beliefs are just like you don't have to like mine. That's what's great about life. I can still be your friend and agree to disagree. Boundaries and Borders are a most excellent thing when you have family and friends.
There is a wonderful life outside of religion. In fact, I think you find God more when your not trying so hard to live for the next life and live for today, in the moment and I have found God more in the past 2 years then I have in my 43 years.
I wish every one great happiness and joy and nothing other then peace. If you want to continue reading my blog and see what happens while I journey thru this life, WELCOME! If not, I am excited you have found your truth and may the Universe bring you nothing but happiness.
Saturday, October 09, 2010
Friday, October 08, 2010
It's working
Wednesday I started Jax back on Concerta and I now combine that with Tenex. He slept thru the night, he woke up happy Thursday morning, got dressed on his own, helped me with small jobs before school. He had the best day. His Monkey stayed on Green the whole day and his teacher and principal called separately so excited! He didn't bounce, thump, bang, wiggle, shout, act out, run like a wild child, he was calm all night. The voices and constant thoughts that 90 mph were gone. hooray!
Today was another great day at school. Monkey on green, got to go to the Treasure box again and he was awesome. Sat in his seat on the bus. Helped me all night long and did all his jobs.
I don't know what to think. I am so excited. I really hope this works. For the first time since he was 4 he was focused. So calm. Our house is so quiet. Jax actually sat down and started reading a book he got from the library. I am so blown away. So happy. In shock. I think I am dreaming!!!!!.... Now I continue to pray that his body won't adapt too fast to the meds and he can continue having great days. He keeps telling me he only hears one thought at a time... isn't that amazing! So, I won't home school him as long as he continues to have good days, accomplishes work and the meds are working. Next track out is Nov. 19th or something like that so we will go forward and re-evaluate then.. So grateful, God answers my prayer and Jax is so happy and calm. He is really enjoying being able to focus.
I was very surprised the meds worked right away but his specialist says that if Tenex is right it will be very effective fast and if not that effective there wouldn't be much of a change..... hooooray!
Today was another great day at school. Monkey on green, got to go to the Treasure box again and he was awesome. Sat in his seat on the bus. Helped me all night long and did all his jobs.
I don't know what to think. I am so excited. I really hope this works. For the first time since he was 4 he was focused. So calm. Our house is so quiet. Jax actually sat down and started reading a book he got from the library. I am so blown away. So happy. In shock. I think I am dreaming!!!!!.... Now I continue to pray that his body won't adapt too fast to the meds and he can continue having great days. He keeps telling me he only hears one thought at a time... isn't that amazing! So, I won't home school him as long as he continues to have good days, accomplishes work and the meds are working. Next track out is Nov. 19th or something like that so we will go forward and re-evaluate then.. So grateful, God answers my prayer and Jax is so happy and calm. He is really enjoying being able to focus.
I was very surprised the meds worked right away but his specialist says that if Tenex is right it will be very effective fast and if not that effective there wouldn't be much of a change..... hooooray!
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
I am not going to post for a while. My camera is broken and I have a lot going on with life. The holidays are coming. Hopefully, I will have a new camera by then but we will see. I downloaded Internet Explorer 8 and keep getting tons of error messages so my computer isn't working that great. I have to get that fixed.
In a not so rude way, because how dare I offend, again.. I received e-mails on my last post. First, I am surprised by those who check the blog because I had no idea that it was being read by those who sent e-mails and second, I didn't read all the rants and raves and the defending of one's God/church in the those e-mails, etc... I clearly made a statement that I belive in. It's a blog, my thoughts and comments. Those who love me, truly know me, and those who don't, misunderstand me. And clearly,there is a little X in the right hand corner that allows one to simply click off my blog, remove my blog from favorites and carry on!
And it makes me ponder and think that those who were so passionate would throw your kids to the side for having sexual problems. hmmmmm... again!!!! if I offend.. click the red x... if not, and again, I am grateful I am me and my kids have such a super good Mother.
So, with that I wish you all a good night and don't forget tomorrow is Thursday and trash is being picked up at 8:00 instead of 10:00 now.
In a not so rude way, because how dare I offend, again.. I received e-mails on my last post. First, I am surprised by those who check the blog because I had no idea that it was being read by those who sent e-mails and second, I didn't read all the rants and raves and the defending of one's God/church in the those e-mails, etc... I clearly made a statement that I belive in. It's a blog, my thoughts and comments. Those who love me, truly know me, and those who don't, misunderstand me. And clearly,there is a little X in the right hand corner that allows one to simply click off my blog, remove my blog from favorites and carry on!
And it makes me ponder and think that those who were so passionate would throw your kids to the side for having sexual problems. hmmmmm... again!!!! if I offend.. click the red x... if not, and again, I am grateful I am me and my kids have such a super good Mother.
So, with that I wish you all a good night and don't forget tomorrow is Thursday and trash is being picked up at 8:00 instead of 10:00 now.
Monday, October 04, 2010
So Sad
http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/news/50404210-78/church-lds-sex-packer.html.csp
This article really made me sad. So judgemental and I feel for all those who struggle with their sexuality and just fitting in. I am really sad that parents will reject their children because a man stood on a pulpit and said what he felt was right. So sad.
What I can't understand is this quote that Packer made:
Some argue that “they were pre-set and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn tendencies toward the impure and unnatural,” he said. “Not so! Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone? Remember he is our father.”
This doesn't make sense? Why would Heavenly Father give us breast cancer, diseases, ADHD, trials of all kinds? We are taught we are given these things to become closer to Heavenly Father. Why wouldn't the challenge of being gay be one of them?
Why is the Mormon church spending millions of dollars on Prop 8? Why are they so scared? None of this makes sense and I am so glad I don't donate my tithing to go to a cause I just can't support.
I am so grateful to put on my gratitude list that I love my kids for who they are regardless of their trials. Evil is among us.
Luckily, Mormonism can be overcome.
This article really made me sad. So judgemental and I feel for all those who struggle with their sexuality and just fitting in. I am really sad that parents will reject their children because a man stood on a pulpit and said what he felt was right. So sad.
What I can't understand is this quote that Packer made:
Some argue that “they were pre-set and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn tendencies toward the impure and unnatural,” he said. “Not so! Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone? Remember he is our father.”
This doesn't make sense? Why would Heavenly Father give us breast cancer, diseases, ADHD, trials of all kinds? We are taught we are given these things to become closer to Heavenly Father. Why wouldn't the challenge of being gay be one of them?
Why is the Mormon church spending millions of dollars on Prop 8? Why are they so scared? None of this makes sense and I am so glad I don't donate my tithing to go to a cause I just can't support.
I am so grateful to put on my gratitude list that I love my kids for who they are regardless of their trials. Evil is among us.
Luckily, Mormonism can be overcome.
Sunday, October 03, 2010
Most Excellent
We had a most excellent weekend. I turned my phone off. What a nice thing to do. I love that red button that calls to me when the last kid walks out my door and I get just MY kids to myself.
I was lucky enough to have Grandma watch the kids from 7:00-2:30 a.m. I am never gone that long and it was nice to go buy some new shoes, hang out with Aimee, eat a yummy dinner at Red Robin and then go dancing. I called home twice and didn't give the kids much thought, which, is big for me. My whole life is them and I have to learn to start taking care of myself. Hard to do. I have to work on loving me more and I am worth it!
We spent all day at this awesome park in Apex, off Kelly Road, behind the elementary school. Sharon had her 6th birthday. The nice thing about this park is that it's big but small enough to see your kids while you hang out and it's fenced and you can see who comes and goes in and out. Most definately a great park for me and worth the 25 minute drive. The weather was so nice that we just couldn't leave. It also has bathrooms. Score.
We came home just in time for a beautiful sunset and the glow of orange lights wrapped around our stairs bannister made the excitement of Halloween all more real. We just can't wait.
Jax and I are night people. I LOVE the night life and Jax loves weekends because he can stay up. A good thing about having ADHD is that you have lots of energy and Jax and I got a 17th wind and we cleaned out and arranged kitchen cubboards, made cupcakes, bbq chicken, did 4 loads of laundry, and other chores. It was great fun. We sang and danced and acted really stoooopid which I am soooo good doing and it was just so nice to be in the moment.
Today was another great cool Fall day. We all slept in, had a nice breakfast and then spent the day decorating and playing. Jax had unfinished school work so we would do two pages and then play for 20 minutes and then go back and do more work. He's just so much better that way. Our favorite thing is to take a notebook and tape anything and everything on our treasure hunt in the yard. Bugs, pine cones/straw, leaves, etc... Lots of stimulation! Great for ADHer's.
Ash is great and still a screamer. Why two year olds scream for nothing is beyond me. He is so cute when he does it but man! the whole neighborhood is deaf. He talks up a storm, runs everywhere like his brother and his new thing is counting over and over and over..1..2...3...4..and then he screams 5 as loud as he can. Very cute! Very annoying and he definately gets ours attention.
We have a ghost in our house. It's the "I didn't do it" ghost. And this ghost has broken my new camera. I couldn't talk for about an hour today. I wasn't even mad. Just no emotion. With boys.....lots of things get broken.... even if put up high.
Another week ahead. Very, very busy! Have a great week.
I was lucky enough to have Grandma watch the kids from 7:00-2:30 a.m. I am never gone that long and it was nice to go buy some new shoes, hang out with Aimee, eat a yummy dinner at Red Robin and then go dancing. I called home twice and didn't give the kids much thought, which, is big for me. My whole life is them and I have to learn to start taking care of myself. Hard to do. I have to work on loving me more and I am worth it!
We spent all day at this awesome park in Apex, off Kelly Road, behind the elementary school. Sharon had her 6th birthday. The nice thing about this park is that it's big but small enough to see your kids while you hang out and it's fenced and you can see who comes and goes in and out. Most definately a great park for me and worth the 25 minute drive. The weather was so nice that we just couldn't leave. It also has bathrooms. Score.
We came home just in time for a beautiful sunset and the glow of orange lights wrapped around our stairs bannister made the excitement of Halloween all more real. We just can't wait.
Jax and I are night people. I LOVE the night life and Jax loves weekends because he can stay up. A good thing about having ADHD is that you have lots of energy and Jax and I got a 17th wind and we cleaned out and arranged kitchen cubboards, made cupcakes, bbq chicken, did 4 loads of laundry, and other chores. It was great fun. We sang and danced and acted really stoooopid which I am soooo good doing and it was just so nice to be in the moment.
Today was another great cool Fall day. We all slept in, had a nice breakfast and then spent the day decorating and playing. Jax had unfinished school work so we would do two pages and then play for 20 minutes and then go back and do more work. He's just so much better that way. Our favorite thing is to take a notebook and tape anything and everything on our treasure hunt in the yard. Bugs, pine cones/straw, leaves, etc... Lots of stimulation! Great for ADHer's.
Ash is great and still a screamer. Why two year olds scream for nothing is beyond me. He is so cute when he does it but man! the whole neighborhood is deaf. He talks up a storm, runs everywhere like his brother and his new thing is counting over and over and over..1..2...3...4..and then he screams 5 as loud as he can. Very cute! Very annoying and he definately gets ours attention.
We have a ghost in our house. It's the "I didn't do it" ghost. And this ghost has broken my new camera. I couldn't talk for about an hour today. I wasn't even mad. Just no emotion. With boys.....lots of things get broken.... even if put up high.
Another week ahead. Very, very busy! Have a great week.
Ode to Jax~
I don't want you to be disabled, deaf or not see,
the beauty of life and every leaf on the tree (of life)
I want you to run as fast as you can,
and shout, scream, sing from boy to man,
I want you to love like there's not other love,
and find out what you need from below and above,
I want you to smile and always have light in your eyes,
and be who you are and not have lots of lies,
I want you to sing, and be whacky and fun and
hold on to the greatness that comes from the One,
Most of all I want you to know how great you are,
Today, Tomorrow, Near or Far.
My heart is broken as I struggle with being a Mom to a child who is so amazing and who has a good dose of ADHD/OCD. Jax truly is amazing. He has an amazing muscial talent of singing, playing the piano and drums. He is whacky and fun and at home there is such a light in his eyes. He will sit next to me in conversation and the next thing I know he has darted off to chase butterflies (he is obsessesed with them). His blue eyes are amazing and so crystal blue and the blonde hair and skinny bird body full of health and strength.
Jax is struggling so much in school. He seemed to be doing so well and then with this track in he just had a break down. He is just so unhappy and feels so stressed. His teacher is nice but not so understanding and I guess the first track in she was more lienient but now that the second track is in Jax is doing horribly. He is the smartest kid in his class. He is already lost in the system of school as his teachers do not have the patience needed to sit with him, to help him, to love him along the journey of teaching. He will get his school work finished fast and then he is left to his own accord in class and then he gets written up and labeled as being bad because there is no stimulation for him. Or he touches someone, or talks out, or fidgets in line and another note comes in or he is sent to principals office. OR it takes him a long time to do an assignment because what he hears and what he understands are two different things and unless he is shown visually some times he just doesn't get it. He can't sit completely still. Submissive like they want him to be. He sees germs. He can't help that. He's tired. Can't help that with meds. Some times his meds don't work to their full potential. School is not for him. Sitting or trying all day and then coming home to an absurd amount of homework. I could go on and on. I have been struggling with this since he started with school.
All I know is that I have a boy who is depressed only in school. Who cries every day when he gets home because he is so stressed out and is so happy he is home. That light that's always in his eyes when he is at home is gone. A totally different kid. Unhappy!
For the past few months I have been doing lots of research and studying, praying, and thinking about what is best for Jax and as it's amazing when you really want to know the answer of something how things just "open up" if you will and even in your daily life seems to include what you are needing. For example, Friday was early release and I took the boys and Cameron to the $1.50 movies. A lady behind us came in with a mix of different kids/races and she asked me if Jax had ADHD and I said yes, and come to find out that she only adopts ADHD/OCD kids. It was all I could do not to cry because it's another answer to my homeschooling Jax. So, she asked me if I had considered home schooling him and I just looked at her and I explained my thinking and situation and she told me she felt Jax would never blossom and stay in a depressed state while in public school for years if I didn't get him out. I got her number and she has offered to come help me. The crazier thing is... the movie started 15 minutes late, right when we were exchanging numbers...Just enough time for us to meet and talk. Margeret has adopted 5 kids and they are all ADHD/OCD and one has Asperger's along with ADHD/OCD. She home schools them all.
Jax is having bathroom issues. Doesn't feel he can wipe his butt in time because he is so rushed from one thing to another. And he has stomach aches going to school, getting on the bus where the kids call him ADH'er and bully him, and etc.. etc...
So,I am about 94% sure I will pull Jax out of the public school system and teach him. I have a lot of great support and am lucky to find a speech therapist and others who accept my insurance and they come to your home. The State will also pay for some of the materials with his being listed as Special Needs. I will teach him from the site www.time4learning.com. It's a really fun interactive program that is State regulated and it does report cards, lesson plans, etc..for you and then there are great books even at the Dollar Store that are simple writing and learning that you can use. Jax starts Scouts soon and he will also go on field trips with a friend of mine and I will get some extra breaks needed for myself.
I am teaching the kids in my day care preschool type stuff so Jax will work along side us and he will be able to get the sleep he needs, he can learn in fun ways, and just take each second, minute and day as it goes.
My favorite quote today: ASK.....LISTEN....LISTEN DEEPER
****************************************************************************
I have used this to help me with Jax and decision
Think of a time when you were heard as a child.
- Who listened?
- How did it feel to be heard?
- What did you say that was acknowledged?
- How does that experience live with you today?
Now think back to a time when you were there to listen to your child.
- What was that like?
- Why were you available to listen? Had you made time? Was your child demanding you stop and listen?
- What did you hear?
- How did your child react when you listened?
Ask for guidance this week on how to best hear your children’s needs. Ask for divine insight into ways you can help give your child’s feelings a voice.
Now let go and remain open to receiving insight and guidance. Listen to the subtle ways your inner wisdom is revealed.
Trust your ideas and insights; YOU are wise.*Mimi Doe is the founder of Spiritual Parenting.com and the award-winning author of “Nurturing Your Teenager’s Soul”, “Busy But Balanced”, “10 Principles for Spiritual Parenting”, and co-author of “Don’t’ Worry Get In”.
Peace~Out~
the beauty of life and every leaf on the tree (of life)
I want you to run as fast as you can,
and shout, scream, sing from boy to man,
I want you to love like there's not other love,
and find out what you need from below and above,
I want you to smile and always have light in your eyes,
and be who you are and not have lots of lies,
I want you to sing, and be whacky and fun and
hold on to the greatness that comes from the One,
Most of all I want you to know how great you are,
Today, Tomorrow, Near or Far.
My heart is broken as I struggle with being a Mom to a child who is so amazing and who has a good dose of ADHD/OCD. Jax truly is amazing. He has an amazing muscial talent of singing, playing the piano and drums. He is whacky and fun and at home there is such a light in his eyes. He will sit next to me in conversation and the next thing I know he has darted off to chase butterflies (he is obsessesed with them). His blue eyes are amazing and so crystal blue and the blonde hair and skinny bird body full of health and strength.
Jax is struggling so much in school. He seemed to be doing so well and then with this track in he just had a break down. He is just so unhappy and feels so stressed. His teacher is nice but not so understanding and I guess the first track in she was more lienient but now that the second track is in Jax is doing horribly. He is the smartest kid in his class. He is already lost in the system of school as his teachers do not have the patience needed to sit with him, to help him, to love him along the journey of teaching. He will get his school work finished fast and then he is left to his own accord in class and then he gets written up and labeled as being bad because there is no stimulation for him. Or he touches someone, or talks out, or fidgets in line and another note comes in or he is sent to principals office. OR it takes him a long time to do an assignment because what he hears and what he understands are two different things and unless he is shown visually some times he just doesn't get it. He can't sit completely still. Submissive like they want him to be. He sees germs. He can't help that. He's tired. Can't help that with meds. Some times his meds don't work to their full potential. School is not for him. Sitting or trying all day and then coming home to an absurd amount of homework. I could go on and on. I have been struggling with this since he started with school.
All I know is that I have a boy who is depressed only in school. Who cries every day when he gets home because he is so stressed out and is so happy he is home. That light that's always in his eyes when he is at home is gone. A totally different kid. Unhappy!
For the past few months I have been doing lots of research and studying, praying, and thinking about what is best for Jax and as it's amazing when you really want to know the answer of something how things just "open up" if you will and even in your daily life seems to include what you are needing. For example, Friday was early release and I took the boys and Cameron to the $1.50 movies. A lady behind us came in with a mix of different kids/races and she asked me if Jax had ADHD and I said yes, and come to find out that she only adopts ADHD/OCD kids. It was all I could do not to cry because it's another answer to my homeschooling Jax. So, she asked me if I had considered home schooling him and I just looked at her and I explained my thinking and situation and she told me she felt Jax would never blossom and stay in a depressed state while in public school for years if I didn't get him out. I got her number and she has offered to come help me. The crazier thing is... the movie started 15 minutes late, right when we were exchanging numbers...Just enough time for us to meet and talk. Margeret has adopted 5 kids and they are all ADHD/OCD and one has Asperger's along with ADHD/OCD. She home schools them all.
Jax is having bathroom issues. Doesn't feel he can wipe his butt in time because he is so rushed from one thing to another. And he has stomach aches going to school, getting on the bus where the kids call him ADH'er and bully him, and etc.. etc...
So,I am about 94% sure I will pull Jax out of the public school system and teach him. I have a lot of great support and am lucky to find a speech therapist and others who accept my insurance and they come to your home. The State will also pay for some of the materials with his being listed as Special Needs. I will teach him from the site www.time4learning.com. It's a really fun interactive program that is State regulated and it does report cards, lesson plans, etc..for you and then there are great books even at the Dollar Store that are simple writing and learning that you can use. Jax starts Scouts soon and he will also go on field trips with a friend of mine and I will get some extra breaks needed for myself.
I am teaching the kids in my day care preschool type stuff so Jax will work along side us and he will be able to get the sleep he needs, he can learn in fun ways, and just take each second, minute and day as it goes.
My favorite quote today: ASK.....LISTEN....LISTEN DEEPER
****************************************************************************
I have used this to help me with Jax and decision
Think of a time when you were heard as a child.
- Who listened?
- How did it feel to be heard?
- What did you say that was acknowledged?
- How does that experience live with you today?
Now think back to a time when you were there to listen to your child.
- What was that like?
- Why were you available to listen? Had you made time? Was your child demanding you stop and listen?
- What did you hear?
- How did your child react when you listened?
Ask for guidance this week on how to best hear your children’s needs. Ask for divine insight into ways you can help give your child’s feelings a voice.
Now let go and remain open to receiving insight and guidance. Listen to the subtle ways your inner wisdom is revealed.
Trust your ideas and insights; YOU are wise.*Mimi Doe is the founder of Spiritual Parenting.com and the award-winning author of “Nurturing Your Teenager’s Soul”, “Busy But Balanced”, “10 Principles for Spiritual Parenting”, and co-author of “Don’t’ Worry Get In”.
Peace~Out~
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