I am starting to get coupon obsessed.
I just spent $288.34 and with coupons and store savings I only paid $54.17. That's a $234.17 savings. I am way excited.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
Thinking outside the bubble
I am in constant awe while watching people.
Whether it be at the park, or while I went to church, or even eating how domesticated we are.
How"someone" along the way made a rule up that we "had" to do this "this way, "or that way".
And I am also in awe that people just don't or won't think outside the box.
I understand why people do it. Some because they are scared of what others think. Until I was 40 I used to live this way. or What would God think, would he love me, etc.. And who really knows what God would think or say? Is the Bible really from God or from man? I guess if you believe that the Bible is real then your plan is laid out for you. But why do Christians live so much for the next life and for "tomorrow" and not enjoy today?
If there is a God do you think he wants one to waste their life not fully living in the moment and enjoying? How many actually do that? Most are medicated now because of the "lack of love" one feels from anything in the world and it all comes down to "what others say".
That is how I was raised. Worrying so much about the future and what God says/said. And then there's my parents. Couldn't disappoint them even though I did all the time.
Stress!
As a little girl and growing up I always had in my mind, and I am serious, when I say this, the thought of "who the hell are you?". I would sit for endless hours at endless church meetings looking at people, watching, observing, and wondering "Who the hell are these people?", "How do they know all this stuff is true?"
I remember struggling with my Mom about completing my Personal Progress. A program that teaches women in the Mormon religion on how to be good, serve their husband, give them good blow jobs, sew, quilt, multiply and replenish the earth with children no one can afford, all in the name of "someone" and their rules. And when it came to women having to be submissive to the man because he was first and held the Priesthood, I flew off the damn chair! I knew from an early age I was not gonna do any of that bullshit... except for maybe the good blow job part (No! they didn't teach about BJ's. Hell, even touching our selves was a huge sin)
(And for me, Joseph Smith, set these rules, so I wasn't about to do it because he said so. Now some would argue that God spoke thru Joseph about all these things but I don't agree).
And my poor Mother. I know she prayed for me daily that her daughter wouldn't be so rebellious because someone told her to do something. Of course, for my Mother, I caved in and passed my Personal Progress... pissed off, of course.
***********
And for me I find it interesting that I still come back to the same issues I have with religion. All I know is the Mormon religion/ church. I wish I didn't. And I am trying to become my own person and have a decent relationship with my self and the Universe.
I hate that when I start to think for me and outside my box that the old tapes of brain washing make me stop for just a second now ( I am getting better) and I can do what I want to do and not have guilt. I am so much better then I ever was two years ago. I have friends who just don't understand the turmoil and guilt that comes from my experiences with God/church.
But they didn't experience the humiliation of church courts, feeling worthless as a girl/woman in a cult run by men, and being a fat, plump girl no less. I was as good as the sow on the farm in this religion. Only the attractive sister got the good boys. I never had a chance and still didn't/don't. But it's okay because I am out of it and have to work constantly on my thought process that I am as a good as Stuart Smalley says I am!
Jax is 8 on Sunday. My sweet, sweet, boy! I was reading back in my journal and it was with such sadness that I didn't enjoy my pregnancy as much as I wanted to or could have. That was my choice. I was sick then. Sick with listening to"what they say" and the turmoil I got from family members and church that was supposed to be so loving and kind but instead letter after letter and e-mail after e-mail came to me about adoption and how this and that and how my child would never be sealed to me and would never be mine in the eyes of the church. He would be a juvenile delinquent and the list goes on.
Almost 8 years later, after asking for my name to be removed from the church records, I still was just told by a , "we are just dropping" in that they are so sad that Jax isn't going to be baptized and "we are concerned about the children's spirituality". I mean, really!?!
I pray for these people. Mainly that they leave my yard before I call 911, but because they are sick. I was sick and didn't know any better and I am so happy I went to Utah for a very short time two years ago because that is when truth spoke to me in so many ways and saved my life.
But now, I can put those journals aside, and I will burn them because Jax doesn't need to know the hurt of a loving, struggling mother who loved every second of life being created in her womb and the abuse that she endured because she decided to her keep her child (and it continued with Ashton).
And I am free now and see what a great kid he is. He is also my saving grace. Full of love. Full of humor and life. What good would my life have been if I were to get rid of my child because I had sex. God forbid! And it makes me sick think I almost listened to them and gave up both babies to sick (Mormon) families.
Today! I am grateful for every moment and second that I question every single thing I need too. I love that my kids get to question and then they get to see the consequences and actions that could happen and they make the decisions. I am so happy I don't have to sit for three hours in hell. So many things I am happy about.
It's nice to feel free.
Although, I am still a bit in prison because things come up but that is life and that is where I get to blog or think deep down and listen to the "whisper" or the "just knowing the answer" that comes when I need to know. That is where I continue to find my truth for me. Not for my kids, or for you, or for the bird outside my window, but for me.
Whether it be at the park, or while I went to church, or even eating how domesticated we are.
How"someone" along the way made a rule up that we "had" to do this "this way, "or that way".
And I am also in awe that people just don't or won't think outside the box.
I understand why people do it. Some because they are scared of what others think. Until I was 40 I used to live this way. or What would God think, would he love me, etc.. And who really knows what God would think or say? Is the Bible really from God or from man? I guess if you believe that the Bible is real then your plan is laid out for you. But why do Christians live so much for the next life and for "tomorrow" and not enjoy today?
If there is a God do you think he wants one to waste their life not fully living in the moment and enjoying? How many actually do that? Most are medicated now because of the "lack of love" one feels from anything in the world and it all comes down to "what others say".
That is how I was raised. Worrying so much about the future and what God says/said. And then there's my parents. Couldn't disappoint them even though I did all the time.
Stress!
As a little girl and growing up I always had in my mind, and I am serious, when I say this, the thought of "who the hell are you?". I would sit for endless hours at endless church meetings looking at people, watching, observing, and wondering "Who the hell are these people?", "How do they know all this stuff is true?"
I remember struggling with my Mom about completing my Personal Progress. A program that teaches women in the Mormon religion on how to be good, serve their husband, give them good blow jobs, sew, quilt, multiply and replenish the earth with children no one can afford, all in the name of "someone" and their rules. And when it came to women having to be submissive to the man because he was first and held the Priesthood, I flew off the damn chair! I knew from an early age I was not gonna do any of that bullshit... except for maybe the good blow job part (No! they didn't teach about BJ's. Hell, even touching our selves was a huge sin)
(And for me, Joseph Smith, set these rules, so I wasn't about to do it because he said so. Now some would argue that God spoke thru Joseph about all these things but I don't agree).
And my poor Mother. I know she prayed for me daily that her daughter wouldn't be so rebellious because someone told her to do something. Of course, for my Mother, I caved in and passed my Personal Progress... pissed off, of course.
***********
And for me I find it interesting that I still come back to the same issues I have with religion. All I know is the Mormon religion/ church. I wish I didn't. And I am trying to become my own person and have a decent relationship with my self and the Universe.
I hate that when I start to think for me and outside my box that the old tapes of brain washing make me stop for just a second now ( I am getting better) and I can do what I want to do and not have guilt. I am so much better then I ever was two years ago. I have friends who just don't understand the turmoil and guilt that comes from my experiences with God/church.
But they didn't experience the humiliation of church courts, feeling worthless as a girl/woman in a cult run by men, and being a fat, plump girl no less. I was as good as the sow on the farm in this religion. Only the attractive sister got the good boys. I never had a chance and still didn't/don't. But it's okay because I am out of it and have to work constantly on my thought process that I am as a good as Stuart Smalley says I am!
Jax is 8 on Sunday. My sweet, sweet, boy! I was reading back in my journal and it was with such sadness that I didn't enjoy my pregnancy as much as I wanted to or could have. That was my choice. I was sick then. Sick with listening to"what they say" and the turmoil I got from family members and church that was supposed to be so loving and kind but instead letter after letter and e-mail after e-mail came to me about adoption and how this and that and how my child would never be sealed to me and would never be mine in the eyes of the church. He would be a juvenile delinquent and the list goes on.
Almost 8 years later, after asking for my name to be removed from the church records, I still was just told by a , "we are just dropping" in that they are so sad that Jax isn't going to be baptized and "we are concerned about the children's spirituality". I mean, really!?!
I pray for these people. Mainly that they leave my yard before I call 911, but because they are sick. I was sick and didn't know any better and I am so happy I went to Utah for a very short time two years ago because that is when truth spoke to me in so many ways and saved my life.
But now, I can put those journals aside, and I will burn them because Jax doesn't need to know the hurt of a loving, struggling mother who loved every second of life being created in her womb and the abuse that she endured because she decided to her keep her child (and it continued with Ashton).
And I am free now and see what a great kid he is. He is also my saving grace. Full of love. Full of humor and life. What good would my life have been if I were to get rid of my child because I had sex. God forbid! And it makes me sick think I almost listened to them and gave up both babies to sick (Mormon) families.
Today! I am grateful for every moment and second that I question every single thing I need too. I love that my kids get to question and then they get to see the consequences and actions that could happen and they make the decisions. I am so happy I don't have to sit for three hours in hell. So many things I am happy about.
It's nice to feel free.
Although, I am still a bit in prison because things come up but that is life and that is where I get to blog or think deep down and listen to the "whisper" or the "just knowing the answer" that comes when I need to know. That is where I continue to find my truth for me. Not for my kids, or for you, or for the bird outside my window, but for me.
Woke up laughing...literally...
I LITERALLY woke up laughing this morning cuz I dreamed I went into church, the Mormon church, and all the pictures of Christ were black. There were so many people upset and crying because some one put pictures of a black Christ on the walls.
I still can't help but giggle. We are so programmed in believing that Christ, God, Heavenly Father, the Universe, what eva is white....
Had to share my evil thoughts..
Interesting.... wonder how long a picture of a Black Christ would stay up on the walls of a Mormon church..... bet not for long........I'm just saying.
Loved this dream!
I still can't help but giggle. We are so programmed in believing that Christ, God, Heavenly Father, the Universe, what eva is white....
Had to share my evil thoughts..
Interesting.... wonder how long a picture of a Black Christ would stay up on the walls of a Mormon church..... bet not for long........I'm just saying.
Loved this dream!
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